A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties. The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”
The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.” The Taliban shouted hysterically, “Idiot infidel! I do not need such an over-priced, western adornment – I spit on your ties. I need water!
“Sorry, I have none – just ties – pure silk – and only $5.”
“Pahh! Allah curse you and your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny neck and choke the life out of you but… I must conserve my energy and find water!”
“Okay,” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me OR that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice cold water you need… Go in peace.”
Cursing him, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, “They won’t let me in without a tie!”

Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a Beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said “Who Owns the
big white horse outside?”
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, “I
do….Why?” The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, “I just thought
you’d like to know that your horse is about dead outside!”
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready
to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon
Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, “Tonto, I want you to
run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him
start to feel better.” Tonto said, “Sure, Kemosabe” and took off running
circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to
the saloon to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy
struts into the bar and asks, “Who owns that big white horse outside?”
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, “I do, what’s wrong with him
this time?” The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,
“Nothing, but you left your injun runnin”.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news: “There’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’ll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller’s gaze, steadied her voice and asked:
“Will I be acquitted?”.

1) Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
2) Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
3) Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye
4) Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
5) How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
6) How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I’ve Been A Liar All My Life?
7) I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
8) I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
9) I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
10) I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
11) I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart
12) I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You
13) I Wanna Whip Your Cow
14) I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Could Spell Yuck!
15) I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win
16) I’d Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
17) I’m Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
18) I’m The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
19) I’ve Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
20) I’ve Got The Hungries For Your Love And I’m Waiting In Your Welfare Line
21) If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
22) If Love Were Oil, I’d Be A Quart Low
23) If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I’d Blow It All On You
24) If You Don’t Leave Me Alone, I’ll Go And Find Someone Who Will
25) If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
26) Mama Get The Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)
27) My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
28) My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love Jesus
29) My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
30) My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
31) Oh, I’ve Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
32) Pardon Me, I’ve Got Someone To Kill
33) She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
34) She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
35) She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
36) She’s Got Freckles On Her, But She’s Pretty
37) Thank God And Greyhound She’s Gone
38) They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breakin’ Out
39) Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
40) When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I’ll Think You’re Walking In
41) You Can’t Have Your Kate And Edith Too
42) You Can’t Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
43) You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
44) You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
45) You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
46) I came in at 2 with a 10 and woke up at 10 with a 2
47) The last word in lonesome is ‘me’.

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,  silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, ‘What is this Father?’
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, ‘Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.’
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old  lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a  button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a  small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son…..
‘Go get your Mother’

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt ENGLISH as the preferred language for European communications, rather than GERMAN, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British goverment conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (or Euro, for short).
YEAR 1
In the first year, “s” will be used instead of the soft “c.” Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard “c” will be replaced with “k.” Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
YEAR 2
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20 persent shorter.
YEAR 3
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters. These have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent “e”s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
YEAR 4
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” by “z” and “w” by “v”.
YEAR 5
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou,” and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru!!!.

“We asked one hundred people to name an example of (BLANK) and the contestant guessed…”
1) A famous Scotsman …Jock
2) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers …A horse
3) A jacket potato topping …Jam
4) A food that can be brown or white …Potatoes
5) A sign of the zodiac …April
6) A job a working dog does …Slave
7) Something with a hole in it …A window
8) Something people might be allergic to …Skiing
9) A type of large cat …Persian
10) A type of record …Floppy disk
11) Something associated with pigs …The police
12) A non-living object with legs …A plant
13) A domestic animal …Leopard
14) Something red …My cardigan
15) A kind of ache …Filet-o-fish
16) [To a contestant who was a SOUP salesman] A food that can be easily eaten without chewing …Er, chips?
17) Something you beat …An apple
18) A dangerous race (eg. a motor race) …The Arabs
19) A number you have to memorise …Seven
20) Some famous brothers …Bonnie and Clyde
21) Something that floats in the bath …Water
22) Something in the garden that’s green …The shed
23) Something a blind man might use …A sword
24) Something you wear on the beach …A deckchair
25) A famous cowboy …Buck Rogers
26) An animal you might see at a zoo …A dog
27) A famous bridge …The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
28) A part of the body beginning with the letter N …Knee
29) Something you put on walls …Roofs
30) Something you do in the bathroom …Decorate
31) A famous Royal …Mail
32) Something slippery …A con-man
33) A way of cooking fish …Cod
34) A form of transport you can walk around in …My foot
35) A method of securing your home …Put the kettle on
36) Something you do before going to bed …Sleep
37) Something a cat does …Goes to the toilet
38) An animal beginning with the letter B …Bullfrog
39) The last thing you take off before going to bed …Your feet
40) Something that makes you scream …A squirrel
41) Something you have with coffee …The Sunday Sport
42) A song with ‘Moon’ in the title …’Blue Suede Moon’
43) Something that flies that doesn’t have an engine …A bicycle with wings
44) Something with a red light on it …A Dalek
45) Something you open other than a door …Your bowels

.

I was visiting my grandson the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. I was told ” Wake up Granddad this is the 21st Century, we don’t waste money on newspapers anymore. Here you can borrow my i-pad.
Well I can tell you, that Flipping Fly never knew what hit it……

A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He’s making land mines that look like prayer mats. It’s doing well.
He says prophets are going through the roof..

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces: “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman!”
She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says: “Here, iron this.”.

1) Most blues begin “Woke up this morning”.
“I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you add something appropriate in the next line…
“I got a good woman with the meanest dog in town”
2) Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes.
Sort of… “Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and weighs 500 pounds.”
3) The blues are not about limitless choice.
4) Blues cars are Chevys and “previously owned” Cadillacs.
Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Of course, walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die. The Elektra 225 is reserved for latter-day R&B, not blues. Fords (ideally, pick-up trucks) are also acceptable.
5) Teenagers can’t sing the blues. Adults sing the blues.
Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
6) You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens.
Hard times in Vermont or North Dokota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
7) The following colours do not belong to the blues:
a. violet
b. beige
c. mauve
8) You can’t have the blues in an office or a shopping mall – the lighting is wrong.
Good places for the blues:
a. the highway
b. a high ol’ lonesome hill
c. the jailhouse
d. the empty bed
Bad places:
a. ashrams
b. gallery openings
c. weekends in the country
9) No one will believe it’s the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man. And they’re mostly all dead.
10) Do you have the right to sing the blues?
Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state — like Georgia
b. you’re blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can’t be satisfied.
No, if:
a. you once were blind but now can see
b. you’re deaf
c. you have a trust fund
d. you shot at a man in Memphis, but missed.
11) Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.
Nor can the Kronos Quartet or Vanessa Mae.
12) If you ask for water and your baby gives you gasoline, it’s the blues.
Other blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. jake
c. whiskey
d. muddy water
Blues beverages are not:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine kosher for Passover
c. Tango (all flavours)
13) If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death if you die of liposuction treatment, or gout.
14) Some blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Alberta
15) Some blues names for men:
a. Willie
b. Big Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightnin’ (or, I suppose, Willie Lightnin’)
Persons with names like Felipe, Sierra or Sequoia or Simon will not be permitted to sing the blues – no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
15b) Other blues names (Starter Kit):
a. Name of a physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last name of an Amercian President (Fillmore, Jefferson, Johnson, Washington).

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. 
The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find  Jesus?”
The drunk shouts, “Yes, oi am.”
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him back and asks, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”
The drunk replies, “No, oi haven’t found Jesus!”
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks, “Have you found Jesus, me brother?”
The  drunk answers, “No, oi haven’t found Jesus!”
By  this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again….but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.  
The preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?”
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the  preacher,
“Are you sure this is where he fell  in”? .

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, “Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?”
He declines. “Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now. It’s this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. “How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?”
He declines. “The Viagra,” he says, “It’s really spoiled my need for food.”
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. “Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?”
He declines again. “No,” he says, “it’s got to be the Viagra. I’m still not hungry.”
“Well,” she says, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m bloody starving.”.

Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they already know you’re broke?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe, you believe them but, if they tell you there is wet paint, you have to touch it to check?
Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the first end you try?
How do those dead bugs get into enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.
.

A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.
“What’s this?” he asks?
“Cojones, senor,” the waiter replies.
“What are cojones?” the man asks.
“Cojones,” the waiter explains, “are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon.”
At first the man is disgusted; but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again.
This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller.
“What’s this?” he asks the waiter.
“Cojones, senor,” the waiter replies.
“No, no,” the man objects, “I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these.”
“Senor,” the waiter explains, “the bull does not always lose.”

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he
heard ‘Jesus is watching you.’
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.
‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is
watching you.’
The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?’
‘Moses,’ replied the bird.
‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’
‘The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’ .

After 25 years of marriage Jacqueline and her husband Marc went for counselling. When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on::
neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, he unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Marc watched with a raised eyebrow. Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to Marc and said, ‘this is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?’ Marc thought for a moment and replied, ‘Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.’.

1 -How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

2 -What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

3 – Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of breasts in there..

4 – How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

5 – Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

6 – What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she’s been told twice already.

7 – If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

8 – Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

9 – Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

10 – Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

11 – If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

12 – Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%..
It’s called a Wedding Cake.

13 – Why do men die before their wives?
They want to. .

A group of girlfriends, all age 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight trousers and nice buns.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was good and the wine selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because again they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant still had a beautiful view of the ocean.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a lift.

Ten years later, at age 90, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before..

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me “What do you think of voluntary work?? I said “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.” He said, “No, this is for the custard.”

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said “Tenpin?” I said, “No, it’s a permanent job.”

So I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?” I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says “Audi!”

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, “Nearest the bull goes first” He went “Baah” and I went “Moo” He said “You’re closest”

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that’s aboriginal.

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny, you couldn’t swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said “Eurostar” I said “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin? Still, at least it’s comfortable on Eurostar, it’s murder on the Orient Express…

So I went to the local video shop and I said, “Can I take out The Elephant Man?” He said, “He’s not your type.” I said “How about Batman Forever?” He said, “No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow. I said “How about Another 48 hours?” , he said “Tomorrow!”
I gave up sleeping with fish-I’m halibut..

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.
“That’s so clever,” the woman gasps. “How did you do it?”
“Easy,” replies the soldier. “These are my khakis”..

In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as ‘British Weather’.
Rather than offend a very sizeable portion of the population, it will now be referred to as ‘Muslim Weather’.
In other words, sometimes Sunni, but mostly Shi’ite.

How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect
unison?
Shoot one.

What’s the definition of a minor second?
Two oboists playing in perfect unison.

What’s the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

What’s the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.

What is “perfect pitch”?
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the
rim.

What’s the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.

What’s the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano
sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if
you borrow a lawn mower and don’t return it.

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for
directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player,
or Santa Claus?
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you
are hallucinating.

How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him
how much better they could’ve done it.

How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.

What’s the difference between a dead trombonist in the road
and a dead country singer in the road?
The country singer might’ve been on his way to a recording
session.

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist’s car?
Take the Domino’s Pizza sign off the roof.

What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
“Year-at-a-glance”

What’s the difference between a dead snake in the road and a
dead trombonist in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.

What’s the range of a tuba?
About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.

What’s a tuba for?
1-1/2″ by 3-1/2″.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

What does a timpanist say when he gets to work?
“Would you like fries with that, sir?”

What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.

“Hey buddy, how late does the band play?”
“Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer.”

How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?
The knock gets faster.

How do you get a rhythm guitarist to play softer?
Give him music to read.

How long does a harp stay in tune?
About twenty minutes, or until someone opens the door.

Why are a violinist fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.

Why is a violinist like a scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.

What do violists use for birth control?
Their personalities.

How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don’t play.

What’s the difference between a violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.

Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play
32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn’t believe him, so he proved
it by playing one.

Why are violins smaller than violas?
They really are the same size, but the violinists’ heads are
bigger.

What’s the difference between a cello and a viola?
The cello burns longer.

What’s the difference between violists and terrorists?
Terrorists have sympathizers.

How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.

What’s the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse inside.

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don’t have to re-train the cellists.

Why did the string bass player get mad at the timpanist?
He turned a peg and wouldn’t tell him which one.

One string bass player was so bad, even his section noticed.

How many string bass players does it take to change a
lightbulb?
None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.

How do you put a twinkle in a soprano’s eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

How does a soprano change a lightbulb?
She just holds on and the world revolves around her.

How can you tell when a soprano is at you door?
She can’t find the key, and doesn’t know when to come in.

How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; they can’t get up that high.

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to
end… it would be a good idea.

Where’s a tenor’s resonance?
Where his brain should be.

What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

What’s the definition of a male quartet?
Three men and a tenor.

If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall
building, which will hit the ground first?
Who cares?

What’s the difference between a conductor and a sack of
fertilizer?
The sack.

What’s the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.

Why are conductor’s hearts so coveted for transplants?
They’ve had so little use.

A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the
conductor. “I’m sorry, he’s dead,” comes the reply. The musician calls
back 25 times, always getting the same reply form the receptionist. At
last she asks him why he keeps calling. “I just like to hear you say it.”

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the sound.

How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb?
“One, two, three; one, two, three.”

What’s the definition of a gentleman?
One who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn’t.

What’s the definition of an optimist?
An accordion player with a pager.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a
lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how
David Sanborn would’ve done it.

How do you get a violist to play down bow staccato?
Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it “solo.”

What’s the best recording of the Walton Viola Concerto?
“Music Minus One”

How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
Write “pp, espressivo” on the music.

What’s the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO..

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.