“Fruit & Caffeine” Why, OH WHY, does a man who has presumably been in complete control of his bowels for the best part of an hour talking to our lovely Soundman backstage, then choose to walk into MY dressing to room to trump, not once, not twice, but THRICE TIMES, in rapid succession, each time “apologising” and laughing a little harder the further my mouth drops open in shock and I stand aghast at this most recent onslaught on my senses, before I eventually tumble into a tirade of swear words and admonitions that would make even the naughtiest gangster blush?

It’s obviously a boy thing – Ollie (my beloved) does this to me as well, and I’ve been told that my reaction is part of the joy, so I may be my own worst enemy in this respect as I’m never able to contain my horror when they do what they do, which only spurs them on further. Dad has now descended into complete hysteria and fallen into a chair weeping – laughing so hard he is shaking silently with his eyes shut and is struggling to breathe.
I wait stoney faced for him to collect himself, but my sudden silence juxtaposed with previous stream of expletives only serves as a further catalyst to the hilarity and he’s completely gone again.
“They don’t smell!!” He reasons “it’s all the fruit!!” More laughter.
He is eating a lot of fruit, which may explain the sudden eruption of noises. And he’s still off the booze, but am fairly confident he’ll be coming home with a pretty healthy caffeine addiction.
The coffee consumption is high and frequent, with the occasional chocolate covered bean thrown in just to tip him over the very last part of the edge he was already teetering on, leaving him a smidge rambly and more physically inept than usual when going about his daily tasks.
“Shallwehaveanothercoffeedoyouwantonehaveyouhadonedoyouwanttogof’
coffeenowhow’boutnownoyouf’coffee?”

Yesterday he accidently took out a chunk of his beard with a speedy slip of his razor holding hand, so ‘had to even up other side’ now leaving him resembling a silver haired Bepe from ‘Eastenders’. And doing up the electric car window with the other arm still hanging out of it was a particular highlight for me, while the actual driving has reached new levels of hilarity and creative corner taking.
“What do these little white triangle road markings mean, do you think?” I asked him in the car last night.
“Oh, ‘Give Way’ or something I think.” He answered as we charged over the 5th one in a row without stopping.
“K. So you do know.” I observed. “Maybe we could slow down for the next one?”
“Ha! Yes. Well. Hopeshfo. Hopeshfo?” he said, surprised “What was that?! I meant to say ‘hopefully’, that came out wrong, hopeshfo, bahaha! What are you – why are you – no, DON’T put that in your blog!”

(She’s making me out to be a gibbering Idiot-ED) Discuss…..